


Guardians of the Galaxy - the RPG

by Arachnekallisti, Prochytes



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Tabletop RPG AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-06 17:18:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3142412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arachnekallisti/pseuds/Arachnekallisti, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prochytes/pseuds/Prochytes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was meant to be a simple space opera RPG. This plan did not survive contact with the players.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guardians of the Galaxy - the RPG

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for the Guardians of the Galaxy movie; very small spoilers for Thor and Iron Man 3.

 

**CHARACTER GENERATION**

 

CHRIS _(shuffling character sheets)_ : OK, guys, I’ve been reviewing the stats for your PCs. Looks like a good, well-balanced party, so far. Jen - do you and Bob have your stats ready yet?

 

JEN: Almost done. Just some final tweaks to OK when Bob gets back from the kitchen.

 

CHRIS: Fair enough. So, going round the table. Suzie, yours seems decent, but I just want to check a couple of things about the Flaws you’ve taken.

 

SUZIE _(innocently)_ : They’re all in the book.

 

CHRIS: Not _quite_ all of them.

 

SUZIE: You said we could customise our own alien races. Give them their own history, ethnography, detailed biology… the whole Frank Herbert deal.

 

CHRIS: I’m absolutely behind your efforts to impart a Tolstoyan richness to the campaign, Suz. I’m just not seeing how “Brightly-Coloured Space Babe” counts as a Flaw.

 

SUZIE: I don’t think I phrased it _exactly_ like that…

 

_(CHRIS gives her a hard stare.)_

 

SUZIE _(shrugs meekly)_ : Er… penalties to her Hide checks?

 

_(CHRIS continues the hard stare.)_

 

SUZIE: Look, Dave took “Bald” as a Flaw!

 

JEN: Chris, you’ve got to admit that some elements of the Flaws system are a bit broken. Look at the “Communication Barrier” progression.

 

CHRIS: OK, so penalties to Hide checks could be a Flaw… especially since you’ve bought up “Enemies” and “Bad Reputation” to the point where the entire universe will want to kill you on sight. “All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a Thousand Enemies" style of thing.

 

SUZIE: Only she’s not a small furry animal.

 

 _(JEN makes an odd choking noise_ _.)_

 

SUZIE: She’s actually pretty combat-capable, so the world can bring it.

 

DAVE: Yeah, but you have to admit Bigwig was quite a badass-

 

CHRIS: Jen, you appear to be asphyxiating. Please don’t.

 

JEN: Sorry. Tea went down the wrong way.

 

CHRIS: Also, Suzie, you seem to have maxed out “Dark Past”, and taken the “Rivalry” background quirk. Combined with your level of “Enemies”, that does mean I’m going to have to create an NPC specifically designed for kicking your arse.

 

SUZIE: Cool, you mean like Tom’s character has in the Monday game?

 

STEVE: Yeah, only your character actually fits into the actual setting...

 

CHRIS: Alright. Have it your way. Suzie, you’re the daughter of Satan and Satan’s other daughter hates your guts. And so does everyone else. And fine, “Bald” and “Brightly-Coloured Space Babe” can be playable Flaws. You lot talk amongst yourselves for a bit. I just need to restat an NPC you’ll be meeting later. Can anyone remember which page “Healing Factor” is on?

 

JEN _(brightly)_ : I think you’ll find it’s on page 138.

 

STEVE: Jen, have you memorised the entire Traits list? Only I’ve heard about your characters…

 

SUZIE: Yeah… the fire giant…

 

JEN: Lots of people play giants.

 

SUZIE: The fire giant _were-whale_.

 

JEN: Look, the 3.5 _Monster Manual_ was perfectly clear that that was a viable -

 

STEVE: Or the Inexorable Progress of Dawn/ _Gate_ combo that stuck the Big Bad of an entire Living Campaign in a prison demi-plane. I heard that one of the show-runners bit through a pencil at GenCon because of that. 

 

 CHRIS: ANYWAY. Steve, good to see you’ve had fun with the gadgets section. Again.

 

STEVE: You didn’t mind that I used the helmet modification rules from _Weapons Locker 4,_ did you?

 

CHRIS: Nope. It’s fine. Especially compared to the custom power- armour shenanigans you pulled off in the Monday night game.

 

JEN: Is that the game you were telling me about, Chris? The one where you _really_ took your eye off the ball during character generation?

 

CHRIS: I wouldn’t put it that strongly…

 

JEN: You said it turned into _Munchkin: The Cheesening._

 

SUZIE: Hey, my character was perfectly sensible! I’m not the one who offset a functionally infinite Strength stat against “Communication Barrier – Monosyllabic”.

 

_(DAVE opens his mouth.)_

 

CHRIS: Well, anyway, in THIS game… Steve, your character’s fine. Just put a bit more detail on these contacts of yours. I see you’ve gone for a Charisma build again.

 

STEVE: Is that a problem?

 

CHRIS: Not at all. It’s just… as I said: not a problem. Dave, your PC is a-OK.

 

SUZIE: So, Dave, what does your PC do?

 

DAVE: Melee combat specialist. With a tragic past and angst and stuff.

 

STEVE: Moving out of your comfort zone, I see.

 

CHRIS: ANYWAY, Jen, about your character…

 

_(JEN hands over a character sheet, which CHRIS  accepts.)_

 

CHRIS: Talk me through your concept.…

 

JEN: Well, I reckoned it’d help get Bob into the group if we played linked characters with a shared background…

 

CHRIS: OK…

 

JEN: ...So we’re playing a team of bounty hunters.

 

CHRIS: Sort of _Strontium Dog_ type of thing?

 

JEN: Yeah! Only if Johnny Alpha were an uplifted animal and Wulf were an alien…

 

CHRIS: Hang on a second… uplifted animal? I wasn’t aware we were playing _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Other Strangeness_.

 

JEN: Yes, you said we could use the supplements.  The uplifted animal rules are in Appendix C of _Evil Science_.…

 

CHRIS _(sighs heavily)_ : Fine. Sapient gorilla with machine gun?

 

JEN: No, talking gorillas have been done to death.

 

CHRIS: Wolf, then? Bear? Panther?

 

JEN: Raccoon.

 

CHRIS: ...Raccoon. Of course. Why didn’t I think of that?

 

JEN: Have you _seen_ their inherent bonuses to Dexterity and Intelligence?

 

CHRIS: No, Jen, but I expect I’m going to become very familiar with them over the course of this campaign.

 

_(CHRIS puts JEN’s character sheet down on the table.)_

 

CHRIS: So what about Bob’s character? Homicide gerbil? Parkour badger?

 

JEN: You’re way off.…

 

_(BOB returns from the kitchen with a tray of tea and home-made cake.)_

 

BOB ( _triumphantly)_ : I am Groot!

 

_(CHRIS collapses face-down onto the pile of character sheets with a deep groan.)_

 

**SESSION 3**

 

CHRIS: To recap, four of you used the McGuffin as a football in a crowd of civilians, and, when you got arrested, you met Dave’s character in the space prison -

 

DAVE: I still think that was a bit railroady.

 

CHRIS: Dave, the only time any of your characters is out of prison is when the Big House doesn’t have the structural integrity to absorb their punches. Which has happened.

 

DAVE _(slightly mollified)_ : Well, fair enough.

 

CHRIS: Then, for some reason, you all decided to follow one of Jen’s plans in staging a prison break… including the bit with the prosthetic leg, unless I hallucinated it.

 

JEN: I thought Steve might like having a social skills challenge.

 

_(STEVE glowers.)_

 

CHRIS: So, you arrive at Knowhere, that fabled demesne where skullduggery babbles like  a brook over a bed of cosmic eld…

 

STEVE: Bob, is there any more cake?

 

CHRIS _(raising his voice slightly)_ : The pirate city that squats in the hollowed head of a forgotten star-god, last relic of a race so old that some impercipient deities hold they never were…

 

STEVE: They’re really great cakes. Did you use poppy-seeds?

 

CHRIS: Fine. Have it your way. Your contact is in a space city sitting in a giant space head. What do you want to do?

 

SUZIE _(checking her notes)_ : So, he’s called the Collector and we find him in -

 

JEN _(enthusiastically)_ : We sample the local night-life! There are cool space bars and gambling joints in there, right, Chris?

 

STEVE: We are adventurers, after all. At some point we’ve got to blow all our money on ale and whores -

 

_(BOB clears his throat.)_

 

STEVE:  - or, I don’t know, fertiliser and cuttings, or something.

 

CHRIS _(perking up)_ : Gambling joints? Definitely. I’ve got  rules for some of the space gambling games; we could actually play those out if you -

 

JEN: So let’s all bet on the lizard- racing and get wasted!

 

CHRIS: Fine, fine, you can do that for a bit. Dave and Jen’s characters will get into fights; Bob will… do tree stuff; Steve’s character will flirt ineffectually with Suzie’s -

 

STEVE: Hey, he has got a pretty high Charisma score -

 

CHRIS: So has your character in the Monday game, Steve. The only person who likes him is his Minion. And he pays her. ANYWAY. This should be a pretty short session. The next encounter is a straightforward social skills challenge. I expect we’ll be done by half past ten.

 

**SESSION 4**

 

CHRIS: To cut back in at the point where my eyes glazed over just before dawn last week, Bob was trying to stabilise Dave’s character, whilst Suzie and Steve made me look up the hard vacuum rules.

 

JEN: “Stabilized at -7 hit points.” That should be your theme song.

 

DAVE: In my defence, I didn’t expect the end-boss to be as tough as that. Are we absolutely sure he isn’t Thanos?

 

BOB: Who’s Thanos?

 

SUZIE: The Big Bad of the Monday game. Also, my not-exactly dad. _Waaaaay_ too tough for the likes of us. Although, on last session’s showing, that’s a category which includes everything down to and including a kobold. One kobold. With arthritis.

 

DAVE: Hey, my guy is a badass.

 

SUZIE: A “badass” who went all Leeroy bloody Jenkins and triggered the final three encounters at once because he was bored is what he bloody is.

 

DAVE: I had to find something to do since you decided I shouldn’t go and talk to the Collector with you.

 

SUZIE: Dave, neither your character nor Jen’s should ever be allowed to talk to anyone important.

 

DAVE: At least I’m not as bad as Mr Charisma Munchkin over there.

 

STEVE: Well, if Chris would ever let me hard-skill anything... It’s not like he makes you chin him every time your character throws a punch.

 

CHRIS: Look, guys…

 

SUZIE: Honestly, Dave, do you ever play a character who does _anything_ other than walk up to people and punch them?

 

DAVE: Listen, my Monday game character is a scientist –

 

SUZIE: A scientist who turns into an enormous green rage monster, _then_ walks up to people and punches them!

 

DAVE: Uh-huh. And would you like to share the concept of _your_ Monday game character with Jen and Bob, Suz? Could she possibly be a hot ninja babe with leet combat skills and a dark, troubled past, all squeezed into a ridiculously tight cat-suit?

 

STEVE: Hey, you two, turn it down. There’s nothing wrong with having a character type.

 

SUZIE: Says the guy who’s playing yet another teched-up Lothario with theoretically maxed-out Charisma who alienates everybody as soon as he opens his mouth.

 

STEVE: At least I try to fit my characters into the setting! I didn’t rock up at the Monday game and say “Oh, this is a near-future soft SF alien invasion campaign; it’s practically crying out for a Norse God of Thunder!” Thanks so much, Tom.

 

DAVE: At least Chris talked him down to being a _Stargate_ -esque smug godlike alien.

 

CHRIS: Hey, in the original _Greyhawk_ campaign Gary Gygax let people worship Zeus.

 

SUZIE: “Gary Gygax did it in the original _Greyhawk_ campaign” is never sufficient justification for anything, Chris.

 

CHRIS: Right. Now that the party’s animosity is being safely channelled at someone who isn’t here –

 

STEVE: Kinda like the Bifrost, pointed at Jotunheim…

 

CHRIS: ANYWAY, we have two PCs out there in hard vacuum, and Suzie’s body mods won’t give her much extra time. That’s your problem, people. Sort it out.

 

STEVE: Um. Can I give her the benefit of my hostile environment tech?

 

CHRIS: Hmm. Most of your tech has the “Personal” Restriction, Steve. You remember that I made you take that as standard for all your techie builds after your Monday guy’s backstory bender accidentally contributed to making his PA Minion into a supersoldier?

 

STEVE: Then my guy gives up his own oxygen for Suzie’s girl. It’s what he’d do. 

 

DAVE: Anything the rest of us can do? Like, can we pool our Luck points to get Steve re-rolls on his Resist against vacuum damage?

 

CHRIS: No problem, but that won’t keep him going for more than a few rounds. You need a longer-term plan, people.

 

STEVE:  Sure! I call in my contacts. They have a jump-capable ship, so they can get here in a few rounds, right?

 

SUZIE: Steve... these would be the contacts you double-crossed back in the first session, right?

 

STEVE: We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.

 

**SESSION 7**

 

CHRIS: OK, this could be the big showdown! Or maybe not. At the end of last session, you were all on board the _Dark Aster._ Suzie’s character has just opened the door after facing down all her Flaw points given corporeal expression in the form of her nemesis –

 

SUZIE: -  with her complex, conflicted psychology –

 

STEVE:  - and her bleeding-edge cyber-enhancements –

 

DAVE: - and her really, really long legs...

 

CHRIS: Interesting to see what different people took away from that character-description. But anyway. Ronan is standing at the other end of the room. He’s looking pretty badass, what with his ENORMOUS GLOWING HAMMER and all. As you enter, he turns, holding his ENORMOUS GLOWING HAMMER in a tight grasp. What do you do?

 

STEVE: No-brainer. I heft Jen’s steroidal gun. How many damage dice will I be rolling, Jen?

 

JEN: You’ll need an app.

 

STEVE: Outstanding. I take careful aim – this is a called shot, obviously –

 

CHRIS: Obviously.

 

STEVE: - and fire the gun into his chest.

 

CHRIS: His chest?

 

STEVE: Well, yeah. It’s not like he’s a zombie or anything.

 

CHRIS: OK, right you are. Let’s see your damage roll... There’s a massive explosion and a blinding flash of light, and, when the dust clears, Ronan is down.

 

DAVE: You did it!

 

JEN: OK, so now we’ve dropped out of initiative –

 

CHRIS _(smiling malevolently)_ : Who said we’d dropped out of initiative? I believe it’s Ronan’s turn next, and he’s getting back up. Doesn’t even look scratched. He raises the ENORMOUS GLOWING HAMMER and... _(he rolls some dice)_ oh look, that’s 37 points of damage and knockback all round. Dave, you’re up next.

 

DAVE: Oh bloody hell. I, er, I... I run up to him and punch him in the face!

 

SUZIE: Because that worked so well last time.

 

DAVE: Hey, we’ve levelled up since then. Um... To hit 43, 17 damage?

 

CHRIS: He soaks it all up and... reflex action, to hit 68.... grabs you by the throat. His mien is as of one who preps some quality monologuing. Jen?

 

JEN: Right, this is a bit complicated, but bear with me. I’m going to break out the Vehicular Collision Rules.

 

SUZIE: Um. Are those as bad as the grapple rules?

 

JEN _(darkly)_ : Worse. Worse, young one, than you can possibly imagine. OK... I made a Pilot check of _this,_ and sacrificed all the Body points of the vehicle for _that...._

 

STEVE: Hang on, that’s my Cool Ship you’re using as an ablative weapon there.

 

JEN: Is that a problem?

 

STEVE: Absolutely not. Nail the bastard.

 

JEN: Right. That times that cubed equals.... More than a thousand points of damage. What happens?

 

CHRIS: Steve’s ship is totalled, and the _Dark Aster_ is officially crashing. Ronan...

 

JEN: Yes?

 

CHRIS:... has disappeared.

 

JEN: YES!

 

CHRIS: But you are all on a gigantic ship that’s about to crash.

 

BOB: Not a problem. Guys, gather round.

 

CHRIS: What is your character going to do?

 

BOB: Crack out his Personal Force-Field.

 

CHRIS: Hang on. Let me see your character sheet again. _(BOB hands over the character sheet, which CHRIS inspects.)_ You only have three powers listed here.

 

JEN: Turn the page.

 

CHRIS: Oh my word.

 

JEN: Sorry about the font. There wouldn’t have been enough space, otherwise.

 

CHRIS: OK. The Bio-Luminescence I can understand. But how does a _tree_ get Personal Force-Field?

 

BOB: Um. Twigs. _(He makes vague yet expressive gestures with his hands.)_ Lots and lots of... twigs.

 

CHRIS: Jen, did you put him up to this?

 

JEN: I may have proffered one or two suggestions. I did say that the Communication Barrier Flaw progression was broken.

 

CHRIS: This is where I end up for being a lenient GM. Sandwiched between a trigger-happy rodent and an omnipotent tree. _(He studies the character sheet.)_ Hold on... isn’t your Force-Field personal-only range?

 

BOB: Yes, but look seven bullet-points up... I took the Life Force Boost power. I can increase the range or duration by burning hit points. So, I can extend the Force-Field to cover everyone for the next 6 rounds for... 75 hit points.

 

JEN: Yes, but that’ll take you down to... _(She leans over and examines Bob’s character sheet.)_... -11. That’s insta-death, no stabilisation.

 

BOB _(shrugs)_ : We are Groot.

 

STEVE: Majestic.

 

SUZIE: I think Dave is crying.

 

DAVE: It’s just something in my eye. Does anyone want some more cake? I’ll go get some.

 

_(DAVE leaves the room with suspicious haste. Sound of a nose being blown offstage. DAVE comes back in, with cake.)_

 

CHRIS: Right. All of you, except Gandalf over there –

 

BOB: I was Groot.

 

CHRIS:  -  have landed in one piece. Suddenly, Ronan and his ENORMOUS GLOWING HAMMER step out of the wreckage.

 

SUZIE: I thought you said he was dead!

 

CHRIS: I said “has disappeared”. Not the same thing.

 

JEN _(nodding grimly)_ : They’re not dead if you didn’t see the body. I take it we’re still in initiative?

 

CHRIS: Yes, yes you are. Suzie?

 

SUZIE: Looks like Ronan only gets one reaction a round, so if we all rush him at once, at least one of us will get through. I’m readying to attack.

 

DAVE: Readying to attack too.

 

JEN: Was my gun destroyed in the crash?

 

CHRIS: No, but it’s badly damaged. It’ll take two rounds to fix.

 

JEN: Then I’m fixing the gun this round.

 

CHRIS: Steve?

 

_(STEVE is deep in thought.)_

 

CHRIS:  Steve? Suzie and Dave are waiting on you to trigger the –

 

STEVE: So if I challenge him to a dance-off, can I take that off Charisma?

 

_(There is a long pause.)_

 

CHRIS _(weakly_ ): Dance-off?

 

STEVE: I can soft-skill this if you want me to. _(He gets up from his chair.)_

 

CHRIS:  No, no, that’s all right... OK. Dance-off. I can run with this. Roll straight Charisma, and make it good.

 

_(STEVE rolls his die. The party hold their breath until…)_

 

STEVE _(stunned)_ : Natural 20.

 

CHRIS _(just as stunned)_ : You jammy bastard. _(He rallies.)_ OK, so Ronan is now doing the same thing with his face that I did when you first used the word “dance-off”, and will not be doing much else this round. So, from the top, everyone?

 

SUZIE: Also doing that thing with my face.

 

DAVE: Readying to attack... or something... I guess?

 

JEN: Fixing the damn gun!

 

STEVE: Keep on dancing! Hey, Suz, chance of an assist next round? You could take it off Acrobatics.

 

SUZIE: Not likely.

 

CHRIS: Ronan is getting kind of flaily and demanding to know what you think you’re doing.

 

SUZIE: I’d really like to know too.

 

DAVE: I’m taking Jen’s gun and firing it at Ronan! Called shot –

 

CHRIS: Yes?

 

DAVE: To the ENORMOUS GLOWING HAMMER!

 

CHRIS _(sags in his chair)_ : Oh thank God, finally.

 

 **SESSION 8**  

 

CHRIS: Well, everyone, since you finished off the last arc with considerable style –

 

SUZIE: “You said it yourself, bitch. We’re the Guardians of the Galaxy”. Classic line, Steve.

 

STEVE: Good job you’d been taking notes. If you hadn’t remembered the bit about a group wielding the Stone successfully, Starlord would’ve been toast.

 

CHRIS _(awkwardly)_ : Speaking of which... Bob, any thoughts on your new character?

 

JEN: Actually, I was thinking... He was a tree, right?

 

CHRIS: Yes, but –

 

JEN: And you said there were twigs everywhere at the crash site, right?

 

CHRIS: Yes, but how is that –

 

JEN: And Gardening is an Intelligence-based skill that gets bonuses from the Technically Adept quirk, right?

 

CHRIS: Well _yes_ , but –

 

JEN: And you know how we’ve not spent our skill points from the time we levelled after taking down Ronan yet?

 

CHRIS: Go on, tell me what you’re thinking.

 

JEN: So, if I put all my skill points from that level into Gardening, and then spent extra time over it with assists from all the others, took Exceptional Quality gardening equipment as my reward from the Nova Corps, and burned all my Luck, I could make a Gardening check of 65.

 

CHRIS:... Yes. Yes you could.

 

JEN: So would that be good enough to get one of Groot’s twigs and then regrow him from a cutting?

 

_(CHRIS mutters something that sounds a bit like “dance-off”.)_

 

JEN: Sorry, what was that?

 

CHRIS: I said, OK, I can work with that.

 

OMNES: He is Groot.

FINIS

 

 


End file.
